6 September 1950 / Washington D.C.

I have never been comfortable with the idea of the United States as a single entity. To me, America is like one large cat made out of several smaller cats. Some of the cats are spotted, some are striped, and sadly, some are extremely racist, but they each give something unique to the larger super cat. Whenever I forget this, something always comes along to remind me that our nation is really an assemblage of regions, each with their own culture and identity.

Such was the case today. I happened upon a man who had traveled to Washington from Kentucky on what he hoped would be an enjoyable and educational vacation for his family. He asked me for directions to the Lincoln Memorial, (wherever I go, people always assume I am a native) which I gladly provided. We spoke for a while, and I demonstrated a few handstand push-ups to amuse his children. As thanks, he offered me a flavored soda from a cooler that he dragged along with him.

Therein lay the epiphany. It is called "Mountain Dew." I know from my previous interactions with hillbillies that "Mountain Dew" is a slang term they use for their homemade whiskey. The bottle he gave me read "zero proof moonshine," so it was probably developed as a booze-substitute for alcoholic mountain people to drink in mainstream society. If anything can deliver these hillbillies from the ravages of alcohol, it is this soda.

It glows with a greenish color that holds the promise of the atomic age, and tastes of violently sweet citrus. After drinking it, I felt as if time had slowed. I do not think it contained cocaine, but it might have. How many other wonderful beverages are unknown beyond their respective regions? Does this not prove my multiple-cat super-cat America theory?

Also, I was banned from Congress after throwing an apple at Joe McCarthy while being forced to appear before his stupid committee today.